segolily

I wrote that last post on 11/05 and I felt like I was at my wit's end. Obviously. Well time has moved forward and I'm still feeling that way. I'm struggling, severely, with this semester. Every day that passes I get a little more burnt out and anxious about what's left to do. To the point that I am now wandering around in a constant funk, not terribly smily, quick to anger, and on the verge of tears..... 4 days. 4 days. Ugh.

I know every relationship has it's moments of stress, which makes me feel guilty for complaining about mine. I'm also aware that I'm in an amazing relationship that makes me extremely lucky, more guilt. So I'm sorry, even before I begin, but I'm hurting and I need to say it.

I have to move to Pocatello today. I've lived in Twin with James since June of last year. This has been the best months of my life. Even if we're not doing anything, it's nice to have him here. And to know that, even though he's at work now, he'll be back soon. Waking me with kisses. So to leave today and to know I won't have those moments of quiet togetherness that make love and intimacy so perfect won't happen for me for this week and not know when the separation will end hurts.

James' transfer hasn't come in yet. The plan, as it stands today, is we will start looking for a house for us to live in (our own house, without an apartment in the basement) near the new year. Maybe start looking seriously in December, start doing offers in January. Then, once it goes through, he will move to Pocatello regardless of his transfer status. If it comes through before then, he'll move. We will still hold off on the house hunt, however. And the thing about the transfer is we probably won't hear until the last minute. Meaning, he could go in today and find out he's moving next week. So we are not likely to hear, "Two months" or anything. It will just be left to what feels like chance.

Meanwhile.... The duplex still hasn't come through. So, this week I'll be staying at Terry's house. He and my mom have ALMOST finished their master suite. Since it's not done, they haven't moved up there yet. There is no trim up, no covers on the light switches or outlets, no vanity (or sink) in the bathroom, no mirror, or light (in the bathroom). So, it's not perfect, but really, not too bad. I'm not excited about moving the bare minimum and having to live out of a suitcase. I'm also afraid I'll forget stuff. I know it's not the end of the world if I do, it's not like I'm moving across the country....

In the end, I'm STRESSED. I'm normally pre-semester jittery, but throw in doses of unknown, unsettled, and lonely and it makes me a little crazy. So now, I'm writing this, not paying attention to CSI, thinking about all the things I SHOULD be doing. But my motivation has betrayed me. If I were to guess I'd say it's because I don't want to go, therefore I don't want to pack, or clean, or organize. Or think. Sob!

I know it will all be okay, you don't have to tell me that it will all work out, the housing, the transfer, the semester. I'm aware that it all works out in the end. And our relationship is strong, strong enough to survive an hour and a half drive. It'll be all good. That doesn't make me want to go anymore. Nor is it making it any easier to leave today.

I'm just a gloomy gus today. It's okay.

 My circle of friends have been quiet for so long that my friends page is blank.  So, um?  Where'd you go?

 This class is kicking my ass.  But I got my A back.  Now if I can keep it for the next 9 days.  That doesn't sound bad, but we've done 610 out of 1000 points.  There are plenty of chances to screw it up.  Speaking of.  I should go study.  (I have a 89.54% which is an A [anything over an 88%] but I'm aiming for a 90% or better so I have an actual A with no curving.  Sigh.)

 I'm tired today.  Yesterday was a long day to end a long week.  Luckily summer school ends on Thursday, if I had to go in today I'd be in trouble.  Yesterday was the second exam for chemistry.  I studied for it, in fact I studied harder for this one than my last one.  The one I got the high score in the class.  We had homework do at the same time as the exam, so I read both chapters, did the sample problems, did all the homework, then read through some of my notes.  Then spent nearly 5 hours (less a fifteen minute break and a potty break) on it and STILL didn't finish.  It was ridiculously hard.  All but 3 people in the class worked on it until he took them from us, one of the 3 didn't say much, though he did mention that he got one completely wrong and gave up.  The other 2 of the 3 both left early after saying, on both parts of the exam, that it was too hard and they had to give up.  There is some kind of relief in the idea that it wasn't just me, but it doesn't make me any less angry about it.  In fact, it might fuel my rage.  This is a 100 level class (112), I think it's a little off to think that we need to take tests that take even the above average students 5 hours to take and they still don't finish.  I don't understand.  If I failed this exam it's not the end of the world, but there goes my A.  Fuck.

 I just hate my summer class.  I'm learning a lot and am doing really well, but those kids in that class!  I would love to be able to not go everyday, just get what I need off lecture notes and out of the book...  The kid right behind me brings his skateboard to class and puts it under his feet.  He spends the class fiddling with it.  He rolls it back and forth, lifts the one side, drops it down, lifts the other side.  Rolls the wheels with his hands.  He also hums or whistles.  The front row (where I sit, off to the side) has two girls that will talk most of the class, giggle, and baby talk.  BABY TALK.  Oh.  The next girl over has an obnoxious Wisconsin accent and asks the slowest, most mind numbing questions.  (today she was confused that 8 times 1/8 equals 1 and when Dr Tater said he was bringing pizza tomorrow at about 11:30 for everyone she said [with a ridiculous confused look on her face] "So tomorrow......  At 11:30.......  There's going to be free food.......?")  The girl next to her texts durning class.  I've been guilty of the same thing, but I have the common sense to TURN OFF THE RINGER AND THE KEY TONES.  You have got to be kidding me.  Then today, when talking about the properties of water and the fact that a bolder can't float on water a girl that sits in the back said, "So how does a boat float?"  Sigh.  There are pen tappers, sighers, whisperers, chatters, interrupters.....  There are 11 students total.  I have to remind myself there are only 4 weeks left.  I think I can make it.....

I'm up early again. Actually we've been up since about 4am. I'm not sure it's jet lag, I think it's mostly that I'm sick and have been sleeping for days. I just wrote Stacey a long message about the last day of traveling, so I'll just leave it as: Our first flight was just over 8 hours, the second one (after a 2 hour layover of sorts) was just over 4 hours, and the last one was almost an hour. That's leaving out the walk to the bus, and the bus ride to the airport at the beginning.... sigh....

Anyway...

( Proposal )

I'm happy.

I started this at about 7am this morning. But after loading the pictures I wanted on to photobucket, I gave up. About halfway though the trip James got really sick. The last day of the trip I caught it. So we spent nearly 24 hours traveling, and I got sicker and sicker as time went on. It was a rough day. I spent all day yesterday in bed, sleeping off and on, and today I'm doing a bit better, but I have school on Monday so I have to get better before then. Not that that's making me feel any less lazy.

( Pictures and more )

I would say that's it in a nutshell, but that was a lot. If it makes you feel any better I had 54 new images in my photobucket.....

I am engaged....  There are two really great stories about how and where, depending on which one I'm telling.  I'll regail you with all the (loving) gorey details at a later date, we are trying to start our day and rearrange accomodations....

Irish ramblings to follow.

( one long day )So, that's that. I would hide this behind a cut, but I'm not good at it. Maybe I'll figure it out. Shrug. I hope you are having a great day!

I can't believe how excited I am....  Okay, maybe I can.  I've thought and wished and dreamed of going to Ireland for so long that I have to remind myself to breathe.  I may have to start pinching myself as well.  I still can't believe that it's happening.  Tomorrow.  Well, we leave tomorrow and get to Dublin at 10am on Friday.  (3am here).  We have our hotels, bed and breakfast, and car all booked and ready to go.  That makes it feel more real, since we fly stand-by we don't ever book actual tickets.  It's hard for things to feel permanent.   As for now, as long as we can get to Atlanta we will be on our way.  And we have 3 or 4 flights we can take if the 1st one doesn't work out.  And it looks good to fly first class to Dublin.  Ugh.  I can't wait.  This has been the LONGEST week!  But the hard part of the wait will be over at 5:45 tomorrow morning.  (And for those of you keeping track, that's 5:45am getting to the airport here and 10am getting to the airport Dublin....  The next day....  Okay, really it's 3am, but still!  That's a LONG day!)

Next time you see me I'll be at an internet cafe in Ireland!  Or maybe the hotel, but still!  Yey!

 I can't run today.  I think I over did it the first couple weeks and now my knees are ruined.  I'm hoping if I take a break (4 days total) my knees can heal and I can start back up on Sunday.  But I'll have to start week 3 over again.  It sucks, too, because I'm all gung ho on working out, which I love.  But I'm afraid that if I don't let my knees heal I won't be able to do anything.  Sigh.  I guess I'll be a lazy ass today....

 It might be time to listen to the recommendation that you have rest days and don't push it.  I've been "running" 5 times a week.  Maybe it's time to not do that for awhile.  It's just that once I start working out I want to do it all the time.  But riding a bike burns just about the same amount of calories in the same amount of time.  I'm going to have to do that or I'm not going to be able to climb or hike this summer.  That's no good.  But icing and tiger balm is helping today.

Oh, and?  Carlen, thank you for the hello, it's nice to be thought about.  Also, James is a great guy, I promise.  It's not just me that thinks it.  Wink.  I can't wait for everyone to meet him once we move to Pokey.  I think one of the best ways to describe him is as a farm boy.  Not in the Westley, as you wish, type.  But as in a guy that's used to working hard, is polite and soft spoken, driven, and intelligent.  He's a good kid.  Of course I'm not the one to believe, since I'm in love with him.....  But thanks for worrying.  You're sweet.  (oops, I mean bad ass)

 Before even starting to type I know this is going to be the most boring blog.  Sigh.  This is what my life has come to.  Oh well, I'm happy.

Last week when I started "running" I was excited, but worried.  I've never been a runner and wasn't sure it would stick.  Well Thursday came around, which would have been the last day that week, and I had a 20 minute talk to give.  I was so worked up and nervous about it that I couldn't wait to go for the run.  It was so good for me I went Friday and yesterday as well.  Then I started to think about this week and the step up that would happen on the running program.  I was walking 90 sec and running 60 sec.  This week is walk 60 sec and run 90 sec.  I was dying at the end of my run last week, how was I supposed to survive this week?  Well it turns out, while I thought I was going to die and the runs got messier and messier as time went on, I loved it.  I kind of want to go again today, and I'm thinking about trying to squeeze one in tomorrow.  I think it's stuck for the moment.  Which is fun for me.  Unfortunately I haven't actually lost any weight this last week.  So hopefully that will change.

Now if I can make it though the last week of school and 2 finals the week after I can go and enjoy the end of spring.  Yey!

I'm lame.

 So, I mistakenly listened to Stacey and tried a run today.  Cough.  That went well.  I really do want to give it a try, but man.  I suck at running.  But I'm for trying just about anything to get active.  I feel like a lump on a log these days.  Can I blame the end of the semester for that, too?

 I'm at work.  I just got done with my last test of the week.  I think.  There is always the chance of a pop quiz in Chem tomorrow.  Yes, she's crazy, but man she's good.  I brought the paper I have to present with me so I can start working on it, but I'm having troubles keeping my eyes open, I think if I dive into "Characterization of Amplifiable, Circulating RNA in Plasma and Its Potential as a Tool for Cancer Diagnostics" my eyes will simply clamp shut and I'll be done for the day.  The sad truth is that I have to make it to the store tonight for dog food on my way home.  Snort.  THAT'S likely.

 One month from today it will all be over.  The semester, that is.  I have the type of attitude that the end is coming, there isn't a think I can do to stop it, so I have to take care of what is in front of me and know that the rest will take care of itself.  Sigh.  I have a bunch of little crap, and two biggies.  One is a report for Chem on some chemical ingredients in house hold products (I think that will be fine, so I'd like to get it done soon) and a 20-25 minute talk on a journal article.  That's the killer.  But for right now I have a homework quiz tomorrow (for which I have to read the chapter and do the homework), a pop quiz at some point, and an exam on thursday.  All that in Chemistry.  Cell should be much easier, I have to work on that talk, but other than the exam I had today in it and the final, I think that's it.  I hope.  Sigh.

On another topic, James and I are celebrating our 1 year anniversary this weekend.  Yey!

 I realize this semester is more than half way over.... but I cannot seem to muster the energy today.  I love/hate spring break.  It was a much needed break, but just as I got into vacation mode BAM! school's back in.  Sigh.  Now I have to remember what it is I'm supposed to be doing.  I have too much.

Really it's not nights, it's just tonight. It's 2:13am and, at the time I woke up, I'd only slept for about 2 hours. In those two hours I'd woken up disoriented twice (James was reading when I fell asleep and when he was done he got up to use the restroom, I jolted awake and even through the light was one didn't know what was going on then when he came back I did the same thing. Not until I looked at the clock did I realize it was only a few minutes after.) and had two terribly vivid dreams.

( It's really long, but maybe you don't care...... )Anyway, I'm going to shut off my mind for a minute and see if I'm recovered enough for more sleep.....